diary (STAY OUT!!)
so why the name jane?—dec.21.25
over the last few weeks i’ve had a few people ask me why i picked the name jane and i haven’t really had a good answer. among other reasons, i think this is the core of it:
honestly, i hate the concept of a name and i wish i didn’t have to have one. how is it that the entirety of someone, with all our contradictions and complexities, can fit under a single word? a word with built in connotations that are unescapable, a word that might give others the wrong impression of who you are, a word that might say too little, a word that might say too much. i like the name jane because it is the closest i can get to having no name at all. it has a level of anonymity to it because it’s the name of those who wish to remain nameless—of those who wish to be known for what they have to say, not for who they are. jane could be anyone. jane could be anything. its anonymity and say-nothingness gives the jane-subject a blank canvas for identity that is not tangled up in connotation or assumption, aside from the assumption of femininity which is the only thing i want someone to be able to determine about me from my name alone. it is ubiquitous and ancient which situates the jane-subject within a linage of femininity. this is particularly appealing to me as someone who’s gender is, in a large part, defined by my love for and solidarity with women, something that i need to express from within the group, not from outside it. in this way, a proper name indicates who i am aligned with and how i relate to them. it also forces anyone who does not see my transness, does not recognize it, or hates it, to refer to me as a woman regardless of how they choose to scorn me with language. and even if they refuse to say my name, then my much deeper wish of being nameless is actualized by their own ignorance!
under this name i feel more free than i did with eero, though i am still ok with being called eero because there are many parts of me that still identify with that name. i guess i'm in the process of becoming a new thing and a new thing requires a new name. i’m just not quite new yet.
xxx
scrolling on reels is breaking edge—dec.19.25
first off: i am not straight edge. i am writing from the perspective of someone who claimed edge at one point, as someone who has been deeply influenced by the movement, and as someone who has done a lot of thinking about what straight edge means. i understand why people are apprehensive about sxe and i don’t blame any of them. at it’s worst it’s a movement tied to homophobia, misogyny, mob-mentality, the stigmatization of drugs, dehumanization of addicts, and ecofascism, but at it’s best it is a movement that promotes a life of conscious consumption, awareness, anti-consumerism, activism, human rights, animal rights, environmentalism, and militant opposition to the status quo. i could write an entire essay on the things i hate about certain sects of the straight edge movement but that is not the focus of this blog post. maybe later.
for me, sxe has always been more than merely abstinence from sex and drugs. i veiw it as a framework for analyzing the ways that we become beholden to the things we consume while championing the power of the refusal. the refusal is not a passive choice, it is not a matter of taste, and it is not easy. it is an active choice that's made based on principle and carried out through discipline as well as the creation of systems which facilitate the refusal. sxe forces us to be fully conscious of all kinds of consumption, be that music, media, food, drugs, alcohol, dogma, education, or propaganda, and subsequently has us ask ourselves: who does this serve? more often than not, it’s not us. which brings us to the title of this blog post..
scrolling on reels is breaking edge.
consuming this kind of media is not in our best interest. it is in the interest of the ultra-rich technocrats who want to fully commodify your headspace. it pacifies, paralyzes, sedates our consciousness, rots us physically and mentally, and propagandizes us, all while lining the pockets of the upper class. it is designed to draw you in and keep you there regardless of what you actually want. it makes you not want anything at all. and with the popularization of ai generated content, the environmental impact of data centers (which are conveniently built in and around minority neighborhoods) is destroying the planet. scrolling on these algorithm based sites is counter to the straight edge values of anti-consumerism, anti-capitalism, maintaining a clear mind, and environmentalism. now more than ever do people need to exercise their power of refusal both on a personal level and political level. this means creating systems for oneself to not fall into the trap of doom-scrolling; this means using alternative platforms for social media like flickr, personal blogs, signal, independent forums, rss feeds, etc.; this means boycotting, creating online communities that are not reliant on big tech platforms, and advocating for others around you to do the same.
it’s about time i mention that i am a hypocrite. i get trapped on reels so fucking easily and i hate it. it’s a huge problem in my life and i am trying really hard to manage it. so really i’m writing this more for myself than anyone else. i’m writing in hopes that i might internalize a bit of what i preach. rome wasn’t burnt down in a day and we gotta remember that this will take time, practice, community, and a steadfast commitment to our values. each refusal, no matter how small, is a victory against insurmountable odds, and so, each is worth celebrating. i believe in us, i believe in the refusal.
xxx